We do so much thinking (especially as students), and most of the time, we are feeling, too. These ideas come into our daily lives often without our explicitly willing them: "I was thinking ..." when making a proposition; "How do you feel/What do you think about ____?" in similar circumstances.
At our winter retreat, Fr. Shawn Monahan proposed this triad as a device to help in our own introspection: What are my thoughts, feelings, and desires (possibly pertaining to the subject at hand)? I have found this device to be tremendously fruitful, especially when we either have nothing striking in our immediate past that begs our consideration, or the opposite, when we have something so significant and overwhelming that we know not where to begin processing it. It is also a great standard for making journal entries complete.
I recently spoke with a friend who is a part of our wonderful music ministry here at St. Clement's, about her own vocational journey and how to approach discernment. Besides having a spiritual director (or as Fr. Tim often puts it, a "wise spiritual guide" or "spiritual accompaniment"), I have found spiritual journaling indispensable in capturing my present mood and state in order to look back and observe trends or correlations.
For me, the image that best captures how this helps is the cliché forest (the big picture) and trees (the details), often expressed in terms of the extremes: missing the forest for the trees (focusing on details, to the neglect of the big picture) or vice-versa. This type of guided journaling gets us moving expressing the trees (which in itself is a great exercise, even in the moment, to write as spontaneously as possible, as questions enter our head and we try to answer them, having to frame the situation on paper) and then when we look back, in a way "zooming out" to see the whole forest (nonetheless composed of trees) there is so much more light shed on the subject because all of those details are available.
We were just learning in Philosophical Psychology (the study of the soul, its nature and its powers, not necessarily the modern psychoanalytic field or what may be loosely termed "personality") that human beings remember things by returning to the specific image or real object of which our memory has stored its form. An obvious example of this is a childhood photo album. It's not that you don't remember your early life or that you were absent for it; rather, your memory of those events that you barely remember can be "triggered" by seeing those photos once more. And one can refresh knowledge once learned by thumbing through a textbook that helps recall that knowledge (the common literary phrase: "it all came rushing back to me").
In spiritual discernment, seeing both the forest and the trees, and identifying our thoughts, feelings, and desires really help us to see, especially at prayer and by the light of God's grace, what influences us, what occupies our consciousness, what tugs at our heart, what weighs us down and what excites us. The question is so often posed: I know deep down that to do God's will is what I ought to strive for, but how will I know? For some, a special grace of an unwavering conviction in what they have discovered God's will to be eliminates this doubt and hesitancy. For most, we may try things out and reach that threshold at which we become "sure enough" that what we have discerned is true, and it is our surrendering leap of faith that disposes us to receive the graces that will carry us through that decision.
In today's crazy political climate, I sometimes wonder if I could have been out there in the trenches of politics, arguing or promoting awareness of the grave injustices being incorporated into the laws and judicial precedent of this country. But then I remember those thoughts, feelings, and desires that brought me to where I am, and understanding that as a member of the human family and the Body of Christ, what I do according to where I am now does indeed contribute to the cause.
Holy Week is the most liturgically expressive week of the year, and here in seminary, we are immersed in all of it. Beginning with Palm (Passion) Sunday tomorrow, we will attend the Chrism Mass at the Cathedral on Tuesday and then participate in Holy Thursday's Mass of the Lord's Supper (as well as visit several churches in the area to pray at their altars of repose), the Celebration of Our Lord's Passion on Holy Friday, the great Easter Vigil, and a festive Easter Sunday. In between papers and other assigned readings, we seek to enter into the spirit of Holy Week, with Jesus' joyous entrance into Jerusalem at the beginning of the week, the profound gift of His Body and Blood sacramentally on Thursday and physically on Friday, and the consummation of the Paschal Mystery in the Resurrection. As I have reflected many times before, at this time, the Church drops out of the merely logical structure that normally governs the liturgical calendar, and steps through these events at the heart of the mystery of our salvation in real time. Rather than remember for a moment events that consumed entire days or weeks, we have a chance to enter into these mysteries deeply. Fr. Tom advised that we offered the suggestion that we select a single character and follow Holy Week that way - choose a disciple, a Roman soldier, an attendant at Herod's court, the Jewish priests, the man who signalled to the apostles where to prepare to celebrate the Last Supper, Veronica, or the women of Jerusalem who meet Our Lord at the 8th station of the Cross.
This, too, is an opportunity to consider thoughts, feelings, and desires. As we witness the ultimate example of love, giving one's life for one's friend, and for us as we contemplate in a particular way our own self-sacrifice in religious life, let us see the forest: the grand mystery of salvation of all mankind and the meaning of our individual lives; and the trees: the experiences and gifts, the trials and triumphs and all the wonderful people we meet along the way. And let us not forget the precious intercession of our Blessed Mother Mary, who by her fiat mihi secudum verbum tuum ("let it be done unto me according to your word"), consented that God be incarnate through her, attended His bitter passion, herself pierced by a sword, and now brings our petitions to her Son, our Savior.
Have a blessed Holy Week, and Love the Immaculata!
Mariam cogita, Mariam invoca
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